This day comes every year...

Its the 27th February.....again.........and I am just going to re-post this post from last year...... it says it all!

Its the date my beautiful Mum took her last very peaceful breathe of oxygen lying in her bed of our home. She was gone. She was at peace. I remember being a bit surprised. Even though I had been told it might happen I remember being surprised. I can't now believe its been so many years since this day........

I remember some days later sitting in a little country chapel with a navy corderoy dress covered in beautiful tiny lemons and oranges printed all over it.... I sat with my Dad, my big brother Mark and sister Helen..... I remember looking at the front of the church where we had come every week since I could remember but knowing this time was different. In my young mind I knew this was the moment we had to say goodbye. We had to let mummy go.... I remember looking at the coffin knowing she was inside but confused about what had happened. I remember singing songs and looking at lots of people but constantly looking back to my dress at the endless numbers of lemons and oranges. I remember lots of people saying stuff, talking about my mummy. I remember walking to her grave side. I remember the beautiful flowers that lay on top of this wooden box that she lay in.... and watching little bits of earth tumble in. I remember feeling a bit lost, a bit confused and yet feeling peace in my mind too.....Dad had said she'd be in heaven. So that meant she would be happy and at peace. She wouldn't be poorly anymore.

But today although I remember bits of this day vividly in my mind its not what I think of most when I think of my Mum...... I may only have been just shy of 5 when we said goodbye that day but as a Mum myself now there is something that strikes such a strong cord in me about what has remained so vivid to me about her......

- the way her fingers looked because I had stared at them so much when walked with my hand in hers

- what it felt like to be sat on her lap and be hugged tightly

- the sound of her voice

- what her hair felt like

- what she smelt like

I also know she was a good speaker, that she loved to sing, that she loved being outside, that she loved chickens (why!) and that she had had plans to go to cookery school but had sacrificed this for the love of her family. I know she was a peace maker, was generous with her time and love for others and that she loved God sincerely. I remember playing make believe in the kitchen with her, eating bowls of raisins as she cooked and her walking with me up the school play ground. I don't remember stuff..... I couldn't tell you her favourite food or colour, what she liked to read or many other everyday things... facts....

And even though I know these facts and remember specific moments..... what I 'know know'...... was what it felt to be loved by her as my mummy. Maybe because she knew her time was short she made more time to leave this legacy with me.... to leave these tangible memories of what it felt like to touch her hair, to sit in her arms and feel her face against mine, to hold hands....... its the things that embraced my senses.....

So whats this legacy mean for me now.... it makes me strive to be more like this. I have four beautiful children and so many of our days are fast paced, running here, doing this and that...... but what would my kids remember of me if I was suddenly gone tomorrow? I'm not saying I want to live like tomorrow I'll die but it does make me want to take time to give them one extra hug, to make the good choice more often between just sitting with them enjoying them over getting another thing ticked off my 'to do' list. To hug them. To take time. To make time. I want my kids to know the kind of security that comes from knowing they are loved like I knew.

I'm so thankful to God everyday for my Mum, who brought me into this world and gave me such an incredible start in this world and I'm so thankful for the legacy that she left to this day......

Simplicity.....light in the darkness

This past weekend I got the privelge of going away to the East Coast Vineyard Youth Retreat - a gathering of around 700 13-18 yr olds. It was packed and loud and crazy and yet there is something incredibly beautiful about being able to take a step back and just look and marvel at the potential, the hunger, the desire in these incredible kids to rock the Kingdom for God as they walk today and into the future.

The theme was 'No Longer Bound'..... over the weekend we thrashed out how God's light is stronger than any darkness - doesn't matter how dark the dark is, God's light can break through - that no one is beyond it - that no power or scheme of the enemy to steal, to destroy can ever conquer our God if we surrender to Him and allow His Spirit to invade our hearts and minds. Ove the three days there were moments when my heart broke. When I would get a tap on the shoulder or a hand went up next to me asking for someone to pray and the heart of a broken kid unravelled. The trauma, the lies, the bondage holders that stopped them from living in the freedom of the path God had designed for them. The slow subtleness of todays culture taking it toll so that their lives had cloudy parts not the brilliance of light and clarity....... not intentionally ....but true to the schemes of the One who hates us......it had crept in and taken ground that did not belong to him. I cried with heartache. I was furious. I was angry that these beautiful creations were now dealing with such turmoil. How did it happen...... how are we looking at this group with so much hunger and potential and yet at the same time they are trying to overcome thoughts of wanting to kill themselves, or mind and body battles around eating, or they find they cant stop sitting in the secret places cutting themselves or being over obsessive with social media, sexuality, depression...... how did we get here?? They definitely didn't set out to be in these places dealing with this stuff and yet they are....... And YET amid my tears and anger at the devastation I was overwhelmed by the immensity of our awesome incredible huge God to whom all things are possible and whose light will always shine brighter...... He can break through..... He does.... and with so much JOY HE DID!!!

So glad of the truth that....

God is light, God is  truth, God is love 

and we never have to fear how bad this dark stuff seems because with God, the overcomer we have nothing to fear ..right?!!!

The thing that struck me tho and I have been thinking about since is just how complicated we as adults particularly make things. We all have places in our hearts that aren't surrendered, where if we were to be honest, completely honest we are allowing darkness to take its place. We make excuses for our actions and habits. We rationalise. We don't make time. We are kind of comfortable and scared of what actual surrender would mean. Sometimes we see stuff and we actually do want change and yet we don't know how to actually make change happen. We get worn down by the culture around us. Its not all bad, but it has a subtlety to make us a little more dull than sharp.....a little more tolerant that consistent to the truth and I wonder if we took a moment to examine our lives, to ask God what things are not in His best plan for our lives, what He would bring to mind..... which parts He would LOVE to invade with his light?.... What things are we putting up with in our marriages/friendships/relationships that you know aren't Gods best for you both? What habits (even the little ones - you know you have them!) do you have that need shaking up, that need you to say 'thats it, thats enough' that need action today? No more excuses. No more well in time it could be's..... What areas need us to get real, to say we've got it wrong and we can't do it on our own?......What areas need us to walk out in the authority given to us through God, to make a declaration of faith for change and be in constant surrender before God to see a permanent walking in the light from right now.

 Maybe it can be even as simple as asking as a start ......

 Is this 'thing/relationship/habit' Gods best plan for me? 

 or

 Is this not? Is it actually designed to steal and destroy the best for me? 

 I know life isn't always black and white but I think more than not we can easily ignore the simplicity that God who created us, who made us and knows us intimately actually has a ultimate best plan for his creation in you and it breaks His heart when we aren't walking in the way he made us to. Not because he's controlling but simply because He's furiously in love with us.

Furiously, unconditionally, captivated - in love with us. 

And He will fight for us to not be held down by the weight of darkness - if we'll just be honest and let Him in.

So what happened to those Mulrooneys

I know it's been a while! Somehow time has slipped away the last few weeks with what has seemed like a crazy month of the 'holidays'....... Being in the states I've discovered having thanksgiving at the end of November means you live in holiday mode craziness for the whole month of December so honestly now I'm SO ready for some normal to resume!! How about you? I have a weird love hate relationship with holidays!!!

So I've been asked a few times how things are going? People 'missing my blogs' etc..... And so I apologise for being somewhat absent...... Honestly it comes from a season when I've gone to put fingers to keys and been at a blank.... There's just been so much going on, I've found it hard to navigate through it all to figure out what's going on which has lead to silence....... And I'm still there really but as I know it's been a while since I updated people I'll give a overview update on what's been happening..... Starting with the kids..... So

Neve - she is doing well at school and is absolutely loving being on the 'blazers' basketball team.... Practise wed night, game on sat. She made her first basket in a victorious moment during a game a couple weeks ago which made her very happy. She loves that her Dad is a coach too! She did brilliantly playing 'generosity' in her Christmas play at church and looked stunningly beautiful for her Christmas program at school too - she embraced wearing a cute little skirt for the occasion - true to her personality she loves to surprise us!!


Katelyn - has been quite the social girl loving meeting new people. She's embracing all things American, pretzels being her new snack of choice! She's also doing well at school, plays basketball and loved both her Christmas play and program at school where you could hear her beautiful British
singing voice stand out above the crowds! We are currently looking into finding some singing/music lessons as she seems to really love this creative outlet.

A huge highlight for both girls has been to live daily life with their cousins here- this weekend the girls had their first sleepover together and I think it's the first of many to come (:

Cohen - is a much happier camper since our stuff arrived just three days before Christmas! He's noticeable more settled and less emotional now he has all his favorite things around him. He still asks regularly when we will have our own house with no people in it but less often than a few weeks ago..... Cohen is growing up so fast at the minute, making his wishes known and bringing laughter and smiles to our family daily with his delight of singing ( anytime of the day or night?!). Tonight as I sit to finish up this blog I'm in the hospital with him where he is fast asleep after he had a tonsillectomy/ear tube surgery for which we are grateful for the relief it will bring him.

Trae - is our uh uh uh uh uh boy!!!!! We long for this boy to get some words but they are slow in arrival despite his smart quick understanding about everything that's going on around him (: aside from our desire of some more words he's doing really well..... He loves being around his cousins, climbing on anything in sight and getting outdoors as much as possible.

As for steve and I well .......Steve continues to work with Hilferty construction whihc keeps him physically fit as its like a work out for 8 hours a day and he loving being home around his family and reconnecting with old friends but definitely misses the familirity of long term friends and community in york.

I'm finally catching myself having moments where somethings don't feel quite so weird anymore which is good and strange at the same time...... It's been a very mixed couple of months for me ( I could definitely at times be described as an basketcase with the ups and downs, the good, hard, teared filled, laughing, joyful, lonely, family filled moments that have filled the last two months). The struggles coming mainly from not having our own home to 'settle' in and being presented with a blank canvas after a pretty full packed focus driven life in York. It's been good for me/us and although hard. I know it's actually a precious gift honestly to be able to sit back and assess what we want, what God wants for us and would have us do as a family and individuals. It's really been a season that could be described as 'blind obedience' - we know God was clear in leading us to the states, so we were obedient but we don't know all the whys or what's or how's. When we fall into our natural ways of thinking it can be hard to live in this season, but we have been learning more and more about how God longs just to 'be' with us and learning to be more than ok with Him having those answers that He will reveal in His perfect timing!
So we still have lots of unknowns that we are praying/working on and would love if you could pray for us in too.....the main ones for right now being:
1. Finding a home that we can move into at the right price, right school district/catchment, housing area.
2. Steve to find a job that he would love to do long term that comes with health insurance
3. The right School long term for the kids
4. In all these understanding what Gods heart for us being here is, so that we can serve him wherever he wants us to get stuck in!!
And so i'll stop there! We're excited for the 2013 and all it will bring and know one highlight will be to welcome our first sets of English visitors in the next few months!!!!!!

Do you ask yourself the hard questions.....

This Sunday I couldn't believe it when I walked into church and the talk was on 'Hunger for God' - mainly because it summed up exactly what was on my heart the last few weeks and in which I felt challenged about ...... anyways Christian who was talking showed this video at the start and it made me laugh so many times I'd thought I'd share it on here!!! So take a watch......



Skit Guys - What Keeps You From Following God? from skitguys on GodTube.

Since arriving here in the states but particularly the last week or so I've been contemplating over ideas around what it means to be content...... To be content in ALL circumstance..... why I don't always feel like this.... what is it that I need to work on that I'd at least be heading in the right direction??!

As I reflect now on life back in the UK which was action packed and full with many roles (and in which I 'felt' content most of the time!) -  as wife, mum of four, church leadership, friend, administrator, daughter, sister, school PTA..... I'm aware of how lots of 'things' got added to the mix and I thought it was ok - just one more thing - but I wasn't aware in the moment of how all those little things soon affected the overall life I was leading. How easy it is to loose focus of 'THE' most important thing, the thing that without you actually become ineffective at everything else you do......

Since arriving here in the states my life is VERY different in terms of 'things to do' - I've gone from a focus driven life to one that is more like a blank canvas. It of course its not totally 'blank' (I have four kids for crying out loud ??!) but it looks very different. And although the difference on many levels is hard for my personality type if I'm honest its brought home the hard reality that in actual fact where I once made 'excuses' for not always prioritising quality time and I mean 'quality' with God I can no longer make these..... I now have had all the other stuff stripped and the ugly truth that my hunger for God is not as I would actually want it to be has come very much the surface!! Do I long to just be with him?  To give him worship? Is the one thing I seek actually to dwell in his presence?  Am I content with just doing this? There was once a time in my life when I could have said yes to these questions and been much more close to honest that if I was to say yes now...... gradually the little things snuck in, have slowly but surely zapped some of the hunger away, and given a false sense of being content.

Its hard truth..... I don't like it much..... but I know that in this season I have something very precious..... I have time and space to reassess - to breathe and almost take a sabbatical from all the things that I feel called to do -  but for someone who is goal driven and likes to always have some my goal for right now is to reignite a hunger for God that is non negotiable and that fuels everyday and everything I set my hand to. Its not going to just reappear.... its going to take discipline to carve time daily..... its going to take discipline to make good choices despite how I feel or how many other things are calling my name BUT I know God's agenda is with me on this one... right?!.... because He longs and would love nothing more! I know deep in my heart this hunger is going to go deeper than ever before - that I need to go to deeper levels with God to know Him and love him so that I have any chance of walking wherever he'd have me/us go next. But He's good and although its hard I'm excited.

So I'm starting by taking up the challenge set to us this past Sunday at church by Christian (one of the pastors at Vineyard Christian fellowship) - to take time ( could even be just 10 mins depending on where you're at with this stuff) every day for 30 days (leads up to Christmas eve!) to have time where you just dwell with God - no endless talking with requests but time to be. Sounds easy and yet so many of us seem to forget - or maybe its just me!! And I'm hoping I wont be looking to give it up once Christmas hits either (:

So if you're reading this I dare you to ask the tough questions....to be real and honest before God.... He won't judge or condemn you or make you feel guilty - He wants YOU.... He jealous for YOU.... He wants to be the love of your life with whom you can't imagine not spending time with because He has so much he wants to share with you, so many treasures to surprise you with. Nothing is 'actually' more important in the grand scheme of things!

Wanna come on a rollercoaster?!

This is the first time since our arrival here in the States this past tuesday that I've had the chance or maybe more been able to even contemplate sitting down to write.... it still feel so far from real that we've made it to this side of the journey and after the rollar coaster of the last five or so days I think its going to take a long time to really sink in! 

(be warned its kind long....)

Happy boys on the flight!

But yes we made it. We had a great last few days in England saying goodbyes to family and friends - hard but good times were had with precious memories made to take forward with us. Our flight was smooth and the kids were outstanding. It never ceases to amaze me on hindsight how great a little crew we have when it comes to travel. Four kids, eight bags and two slightly haggled grown ups made it across the pond relatively unscathed! We were warmly welcomed with open arms by Steve parents and really I felt we would have made an excellent video clip for 'Love Actually's' airport arrival scenes as the kids ran at full pelt along the international arrival corridor with squeals at the sight of their Nanny and Papa. For me after pulling myself together on the flight itself after several tears driving to the airport and leaving the UK the tears came flooding to the surface again on landing in Philadelphia...... the exhaustion it seems overriding my defences which allowed emotions to ride high as the realisation of landing in my 'new home' set in. It wasn't on reflection 'sad' tears as such but just tears which I couldn't hold back much to the amusement of my beloved husband!!

And now we've been here for five days. And I thought I'd share a little 'all-over-the-place' insight into whats been going on!

Trae having snuggles with his cousin Silas

We've got unpacked and tried to make our rooms at Steve's parents cosy and home like for us. We attempted to get mobile phones but failed. Steve bought a truck much to his delight ( but it took him 5 hours at a car dealership dealing with paperwork!). We got the girls to their new school for a visit and have completed the mammoth shopping trip for uniforms and school supplies. We sorted banking and social security stuff. We've had dinner with Steve's whole family and had a lot of fun playing with cousins everyday. We've drunk a lot of coffee (wahoo... loving being in the land of French vanilla and hazlenut flavoured coffees!) and enjoyed lots of blue skies and sunshine with cool autumn air!  Its been so lovely to be around family again and this is proving to be a huge bonus as we expected. But if I'm truly honest its been hard even amid all the great stuff. Really hard. Emotionally harder than I thought. Logistically way harder. We hadn't realised just how much 'credit ratings' play into everything here. And this came as a blow. We haven't got mobiles contracts despite 5 attempts because our credit is 0 (obviously as we havent lived here before!). It took Steve 5 hours at the car dealership because despite wanting to buy his truck with cash, he had to get a small loan to try and establish some credit and when your credit is 0 this proves virtually impossible. Even car insurance relates to credit??  This news is also hard hitting when you were hoping to buy a house in the not so distant future but need a decent score before they consider you for a mortgage - all the more frustrating when you know you've got a great credit score in the UK which apparently is irrelevant. So for sure the logistics are boring but its they have taken us by surprise and left us feeling a bit frustrated. These practicalities have been overwhelming particularly for me (the one who likes to get stuff done and know what shes doing!). Never have I felt quite like this. A bit lost and weird. Out of place and useless in understanding how to help. Stupid even. Dependent. Like I'm not really here or actually walking this road! Like I need to pinch myself..... but I know I am here.  I know this is really happening! 

Its been hard too as a parent. The last five days I've seen the extremes of all my kids personalities in a way I wish I hadn't had to. Every night I've tucked one of them in bed sobbing uncontrollably with the uncertainty that they face. Every night I tell them 'I know' because most nights I have shed tears too.... and have felt the loneliness they try to communicate. Every night I feel lost as to know how to help and so all I can do is bring it all to Jesus. Never have I asked so often for the holy spirit to fill us up and reveal His peace to each area of fear and worry. Every night I go to bed saddened at my weaknesses and failures in my lack of patience and every night so far I've felt at a bit of a lost as to know how best to care for each of them well as their mum. Every night so far I pray that tomorrow will come with new mercies. And so far ....guess what .....we've walked a new day and made it to the end again in one piece - God is BIG, God is gentle and gracious, and thankfully God inspired the making of dairy milk chocolate and great british tea (phew)!!!! 

Since getting here I have read every single morning and evening the scripture God gave me right at the start of this journey to remind me of our reason for being here. Everyday I wake up and am having to start my day throwing myself into Jesus, asking, pleading with God to sustain me, give me confidence, endurance, patience and grace to keep walking, to keep trusting and to not lean on my understanding of circumstances but to trust that just as He so clearly led us here and miraculously pulled the timing and every logistic into place to bring us here, that He is still that same God who walks with me/us on this side of the pond. He does not change! On the last Sunday at G2 before we came here, a stranger came up and gave me a picture they felt God gave them for us about the start of our time in the states being stormy, that the waves would feel big and somewhat scary, but that just as Jesus calmed the waves in the bible, He would calm the waves for us too..... that we just needed to trust Him. Little did I know then just how powerful an image that picture would prove to be! 

I guess if I'm honest my expectation was that I would feel great on arrival and excited. I expected to feel homesick and distant from friends further down the road. I thought I wouldn't feel this 'weird' or lost feeling for a while. So its come as a surprise that these first five days have been like being on a roller coaster that makes you feel sick, that you want to get off of but you know you can't and actually once you get to the end if you're like me you actually look back and loved it and want to go again! I know its hard, I know it will probably get harder but I know in the end it will be great..... and even now its good even though I can't feel it. And I hope this doesn't come across as all doom and gloom!...... because thats definitely not the case. Its just been an unexpected roller coaster so far and I am so thankful for so many things amid the difficulties that have come our way so far..... 

I'm so thankful for knowing God. So thankful for a humble loving husband to walk this journey with. So thankful for my little family. So thankful for our extended family. So thankful for the unexpected little blessings like walking into the supermarket and bumping into family friends who were there buying us welcome goodies! So thankful for the sun and beautiful surroundings. So thankful for laughter and snuggles and quiet whispers. So thankful for being alive and all the incredible blessings we have in our life that when we stop to take in put life into perspective. 

..... thankful...... 

So there you have it. Maybe its not the exciting adventure story start you were expecting. Maybe it is. But this is it..... at day five in my journey of living stateside xx.

'THIS DAY' has arrived.......

I'm sat at our dining room table for the last time here on British soil, as all around me the moving company are packing our things. SO I though thought on this significant day I'd grab a moment to write (but I'll apologise now if this is all jumbled and makes no sense. (;).  'This' day has finally arrived. We've been working towards it for the last six months and if I'm truly honest I can't believe its actually here. In some ways its a relief, because I'm not sure how much longer I could keep living in high paced to do list mode and  the height of emotions that the last few weeks has brought..... but..... this is it. The end of an era. The end of the huge part of our lives......our York season. I feel sick. I feel sad. I feel a bit numb honestly. And in the midst of this I also feel an inc ling of excitement brewing desperately trying to rise up from inside.....trying to burst through all the other emotions because underlying I know we're doing the right thing. There is ultimately a deep peace we're doing what we are suppose to do (even if I have to keep telling myself this because I can't feel it strongly right at this minute in time!!).

Home at 224 Hamilton Drive!

The packing process is good though right?! (maybe not the stresses that come with it - could do without those!)..... but actually today amid the muddle of feelings its made me realise our home is where we are.... Home is not the house and how it looks itself because it no longer looks like our home.... but that actually if we have each other, our little team of six, we have our home wherever we are in the world. Its not about our stuff, so I've stopped stressing whether something gets packed, lost or broken. Its not about our physical house, because we'll find another and that will become our home just like this one did. Its about the people in our lives, the people we love deeply and share life everyday with - if I have these people..... we are home. And so honestly this is why its hard to leave York, because more than my little family, our friends have become family, and leaving so many people who've become family to us is what causes the unsettled feelings. THIS is the heart wrenching reality that's rubbish. But we feel loved, we feel so so so cheered on despite the tears and heartache, and that's how we know we have friends, true friends, because they believe in us and whats right for us, and so despite not wanting us to go have been super stars at cheering us on.......and so tomorrow when we set off in our car, inside will be the Mulrooney team who together can face anything...... The packing process is bringing a finish, closure and helpful realisations to be able to leap out and take the big jump we've signed up for!

My team of Six!!

So for now beautiful York and all the people who live within you its goodbye. Its been an incredible journey, a time of many beautiful treasured moments, many tears and heartache, many firsts and lasts -  you are a place I will always treasure in my heart....

Here's to new beginnings, new challenges, the ups and downs and the next step in the adventure

xx

I'm not a super human!

A few people have asked me in the last few days how I'm doing with everything ( and by everything they mean this 'big move' - changing countries thing we are just weeks off doing)...... and I find myself in that moment having no idea how to explain.... my response if often that I've never experienced so many contradictory emotions at once, that I'm excited and counting the cost at the same time..... but internally I'm exploding in a way thats beyond words and can't really be explained..... and when today we exchanged contracts on our house for whatever reason it was this that popped my bubble of emotions and the tears have flowed. SO if you happen to see me today watch out (; 

I think often I can unintentionally come across like all is fine.... like I'm some kind of super human (someone called me this yesterday??!)........ and when I think about why this is I think its more that I'm someone for who truth is of high value, so even when I'm feeling stuff I try to hold onto the truth amid all the feelings - 'strength can also be your greatest weakness' right?!' So I decided to blog today and be real about the very real fears...... the losses that my heart is grieving...... that even in the midst of the many joys here are the things that bring tears even as I write...... time for me to give a little space to be honest and allow a little sneak preview into the hard bits..... so here goes....

I'm scared of the intensity of emotion. Of looking people in the eye to say goodbye because in every set of eyes of the people I love there are stories, emotions.. there's irreplaceable history. I'm scared because we just exchanged contracts on our house yesterday - we really are moving - we really are doing this thing - there's no get out clause now.... yes any denial is not possible anymore!! My heart is heavy to leave the memories of our 'home' where both our boys were born, where there have been so many firsts, so many ups, downs and everyday, so many tears, so many laughs, so many friends and more than anything the place where each of us has grown a little more into the people we are today - our family.

I'm scared for things to change - despite loving change ( and on one hand the challenge and change is the most exciting part!) - this is the first time that change has actually scared me abit. That from here on the way everyday works is changing- to not be able to walk to school, to not have Steve home from work on his bike at 5.30pm, to how I shop for food and our house, to measuring stuff, to road signs, filling up with petrol (or should I say 'gas' (;) to duvet sizes, to words spoken, to not knowing how to use banks or post offices or how schools work, to be being the odd one out, to not being understood, to feeling somewhat lost. I'm afraid for a season in my life where I won't have the people who have become like family to me on my doorstep, the people who know know me, love me even though they know the best and worst of me, the people who cheer me on be the very best I can be, that know how to love me, and who I know how to love - I scared of feeling lonely. I'm sad to be away from all my family where we can't just hope on a phone anytime of the day or in a car......I'm walking around everyday soaking up views and smells because I know soon it will be a different canvas that I'll be looking at.....  I'm apprehensive to have to figure out and have lots of grace for living in someone elses house for a while and to have to keep trusting in the season where lifes up in the air, with no 'home of our own', while Steve tries to find a job. I'm not looking forward as we all learn to adapt and watch and not be able to control all the emotions my kids have to go through, watch my amazing husband Steve deal with an upside down world of it being familiar but not and for me to be ok with being clueless lots of the time!! I'm scared I'm not strong enough a parent to guide my four beautiful munchkins through the journey.....Im scared I'm just not strong enough......

So there you have it - a very small glimpse into whats going through my head...... and so no I'm not some kind of super human! And this blog isn't for people to try and fix or even reassure me - no its a simple act of being honest.....because.... 

......along side all these very very real raw fears, emotions, experiences and thoughts......

.....deep in my heart I 'know' that we're going where we are suppose to go, that God never promised it would all be easy, but He does promise to walk with me on this journey, He does promise that there won't be a single moment...

not one..... 

where He's not beside me. I know that if I'm not honest, if I don't let him into all these places of my heart where these fears sit, I'm not being real - and that he doesn't want a polish me with a facade up, he wants me with every emotion, every fear, every excitment. Today I'm overwhelmed but not overcome. Todays a day when I have to keep reading 'listen o daughter, incline your ear, pay careful attention, leave the land of your father and grandfather......' along with all the other promises along the way because if I stop for a moment in the midst of all this I know deep deep deep in my spirit that we are doing just what He's asked us to do which means this is going to be a good journey even when it doesn't feel like it........