Biblesync.org : Psalm 75: 26.......
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
This past 10 days has been exhausting, draining, stretching with moments of everything from anxiety to joy, tears to laughter, frustration to thankfulness, anger to love - there has been a bit of everything! I guess as most people would describe - a roller coaster! Some of you reading will know that this is because Cohen my little bud has been in and out of hospital with pneumonia - the final decided diagnosis - he spent 3 days on IV antibiotics and has been feeling generally rubbish. This thrown in with the timings of his sudden deterioration ie: in the car (just myself and 4 kids) on our way to Devon, having to leave my still breastfed buba for the first time overnight not even with his daddy etc etc meant its been all a bit dramatic! As a mum I feel like I was put in a washing machine on fast spin and spat out ultra wrinkled and dried out......
And yet to my shock the phrase that so many of my friends and family have text or spoken as their way of encouragement in the process were..... 'You are so strong'...... 'you are such a rock for your family the way you can stay strong through this all'....'you're strength in the storm is inspiring'....and honestly it shocks me. It totally shocks me. Shocks me because let me tell ya again to me I feel like I've been in that washing machine on fast spin and I'm shriveled, dried out with not much to give...... like I could just be snapped in half just like a sun baked towel.......I don't feel strong. I don't feel like a rock. I feel weak and quite honestly like I've failed on so many counts.
But although I don't 'feel' these encouraging words people have shared I know as I sit and reflect today I have a secret that is the reason I can walk week's like this last one and despite my feelings come out the other end having not fallen apart! My flesh and my heart may fail me - I know I have said things I now regret because I'm tired and inpatient, and I have chosen not to always be loving and kind, because in myself I will mess up, I'm selfish, I'm human but despite my failings and imperfections its assuring to know the incredible all knowing God who created me is my strength - He is the strength of my heart and my portion forever - God is my 'fix, my entirety' - He lives in me and provides the strength to face every single day that comes at me - and because He lives in me - its not my strength people see - it can only bethat people see God in me. This is the secret - not some magic self improving strategy to face stress - but the amazing creator God who wants to be everyone's secret. In all my weaknesses God is strong - In all my imperfections God's beautiful reflection still shines strong because through Him I can be made whole again - In all my doubt and fear His perfect love comes in and drives each one out because He knows their residence in my heart isn't for the best. I cannot imagine life without knowing Him.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
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