Two beauitful girls...

Six years ago today I set eyes on my precious girls for the very first time. I remember being totally in awe and blown away by them. I had seen them literally time and time again on the multiple scans I had had in the months I carried inside, but seeing them for the first time was an experience that will stay with me for the rest of my days.......

Two beauitful squigy wet brown haired little girls who God has blessed us with snuggled in their daddy's arms - tears rolling down both Steve and I's faces as we sat staring at them..... quite literally blown away - a picture that is a life long piece of artwork in my mind .


Such an incredibly precious time. God had given us these little miracles. They were perfect. Beautifully created and formed just as they were intended. They didn't look totally alike. Katelyn had a little pointy nose and very petit features - Neve had a rounder face and three cute wrinkles across her forehead - and they both had a fantastic set of froggy legs from being so tightly squashed inside!! 


Today its their 6th birthday! They are beyond excited!!! Life couldn't get any better than this day for them right now. But as I take a little time out of the celebrations to reflect I am astounded by the journey these two little ladies have come on. There have been many hard times, despairing moments amid many many giggles and hilarious moments but today most of all I am the proudest of Mum's at that the incredible little people they are becoming.

And as a way of celebrating who they've bcome here's a snapshot of the things I love about them most!


Neve Olivia..... she's our fun loving, quiet souled, adventurer!! Most people know her today for her love of sport , her competitiveness and how much energy she has but as her parents we get to see her quiet introverted side too - the combination of which makes her so unique and I love so much. She is competitive, strong willed, fired up, and has a huge sense of justice, whats right and wrong and strives to be the very best she can in whatever she puts her mind to. She loves to know how and why & is happy to be different. I love watching her as she's getting to know her maker too....I am repeatedly amazed  by the maturity in her relationship with God -  She loves to read her bible and discover interesting facts and wants to listen to God when she talks to Him. She's protective of her family and is heartbroken when relationships aren't as they should be. She loves to help out and grabs responsibility when she knows it important to take it on board (she's the oldest and knows it!).  She's a leader in the making, not the kind who wants to be up front all the time (she gets stage fright!!) but the kind who will lead from the ground and have crowds follow her, just because of who she is!  I love my beautiful beautiful girl.



Katelyn Ruth - she's my people loving, life's for singing about show girl! She's outgoing and friendly but not one to be walked over because she has a quick sharp side to her personality that means she can't be taken for a ride! She's has a huge heart and loves to help people -she wants the whole world to be happy.  She loves to sing and dance and act and make believe and is confident to be in the limelight. She's great at bringing 'one liners' to remind me what God says at crucial moments but more than anything when it comes to her journey with discovering God and who she is in Him, she LOVES to sing to him. All the time!! (As you can tell we have alot of singing in our house). She's a great helper and particularly when it comes to her little brothers - taking people under her wing,  looking after them and making them feel special is definitely where she thrives. She is fascinated by relationship and like her sister hates it when things aren't as they should be. And yet her unique combination that catches my attention so often is how she can go from the soul and life of a party to having incredible concentration for details - particularly when it comes to anything creative. She loves to write, bake, draw, paint, bake, cook and play with tiny things. I love my Beautiful beautiful girl.


Neve and Katelyn are two unique little people who have the incredible joy of being twins - they are different and yet so alike in so many ways -  there is something incredible about being an identical twin and I count it an absolute privilege to be their Mum.

Happy Birthday Neve and Katelyn!!!

I LOVE YOU xx

Everything I see is in colour

It's been a while.


Time has been passing. I've felt like I've been barely keeping up. Its like I've been on catch up. Not ahead of the game. It's like time is dictating to me, rather than me being on top, taking action..... 


I don't like it. I don't like being on catch up. I like to be intentional. Productive. Efficient. Efficient in the sense of time allowing for everything. Getting stuff done. Being quiet. Doing fun stuff. Smelling the roses. Laughter. Hugging my kids slowly. Tickling them till they can't stop laughing. Everything that makes life. But everything that allows me to live a full balanced life that allows me to be at my best. My very best. The best in the sense of being honest and relaxed. I don't like being in catch up mode.


And thats why its been a while. I haven't had the time or energy to get on here and write. Something I love to do. But today I made a decision.


I'm going to take action. I'm going to make the most of the moment right now. I'm going to find moments.

Two beautiful ladies who I have the privilege of calling my friends this weekend were away on a women's retreat. They knew I would have loved it but couldn't make it this time with still feeding my little Trae..... so what did they do..... they brought the retreat to me! On their return they came with a box of chocolates and little notes for each one. My instructions..... to grab moments in my busy week ahead to savor the chocolate and read the accompanying note. I did this today. It was a chaotic afternoon with four children who couldn't cope with the heat. I was having a moment when I thought 'HELP'..... and suddenly I remembered my chocolates!!! So hiding in my kitchen (heaven forbid the kids were going to get to share the chocs!!!!).... I took a moment and slowly ate my chocolate fudge dream, and was reminded that God knows all about me - my strength, my hidden weakness and is with me at ALL times - even in this choas!!! Just what I needed to hear. 

Hmmmmmm...... and breathe.  Suddenly I felt like I'd had a huge breathe of fresh air. Enough to keep swimming under water for the rest of the afternoon.  I went from seeing an a or b senario to seeing that there are loads of ways this afternoon could pan out but one's thing for sure I'm not on my own and I can choose to navigate my kids through it in such a way to see the good!

I guess if I'm honest one thing I dislike about when I feel like I'm on catch up is that everything becomes blurry....everything because a much of muchness....and I stop seeing the beauty that surrounds me daily...... the colour of life, the miracle of life, the preciousness of words or touch.......


Everything is black or white - there's no colour.


But I guess I'm learning anew again that if I embrace and savor my God who has made me, knows me intricately and insist that He is a non-negogiable in my day suddenly EVERYTHING is in COLOUR!

The world comes alive, 

you've opened my eyes,

 everything I see is in colour, 

no more black and white, 

becasue I've seen the light,

 everything I see is in colour.... (ben cantelon)

So if you are reading this - take action. Savor the moments. Run after them to stop amid whatever you are doing to hear God. To be amazed by Him. Be amazed by what surrounds you. Don't let business stop you from seeing the colour - don't become a black and white girl - SEE COLOUR!! Stop to smell the roses. Or maybe like me go give your kids a kiss, and stare at them while they sleep, marvel at the creation of life in them, their smell and all the intricate ways they were made...... or tomorrow do what my little boy did today..... pick up a buttercup and allow yourself to be blown away for a second. SEE the colour of life again!!! 


Take action. Don't play catch up any longer. Don't let your world be black or white. See everything in colour.

discipline - mixes up the boxes of life

lifes discipline....

So since just before Christmas some of you will know that I made a decision to start running. I had run a little before I was pregnant with Trae but I wouldn't have called myself a runner! Like a real one who was running any distance! You know the drill, you try but then you're out of breathe like you're about to have a cardiac arrest within three minutes!!! Well anyways this time I decided it was going to be different so before I started out on the road I knew I needed to do some research..... (and beside research meant it would feel like I'd started but would delay the process of feeling like I was actually dying of due to a lack of oxygen and sweating perfusely!!!!

So here was what I discovered read in my research.....

1) I needed a plan - a real one with achievable goals which gave me baby steps to lead to my ultimate goal.

2) A vision for where I'd like to be in three months, six months , a year, before I die!

2) Half the battle was mental - preparation was key

3) A partner - someone to hold me accountable, someone to feel the pain and celebrate the joys and achievements along the way

4) The right equipment - invest from the start - no half hearted attempts using the old gear but get kitted out with the right shoes to avoid injury and some clothes that would help with sweating I mentioned earlier!!

Well I started before Christmas after finding a program to follow - couch to 5k in 8 weeks! Surely this would work, a nice american accent in my ears, some dance music and as much will as I had to give. I also got my running partner....Mel - what a friend.... we made a plan that was set but flexible enough to work with our busy families..... we started getting up at the crack of dawn meeting on cold frosty mornings in the dark at 7am two or three mornings a week. We did it. Shockingly to both of us! But we started. With one minute runs, walking intervals.... and little bit by little bit we went through the early weeks of the program together.....

Then it snowed. Then I got sick. Beyond my control there were no runs for three weeks ):

I was totally frustrated. After doing so well I tried my first run back and it was like being back at square one. This was my first true mental battle. Why bother. Give up now Clare - you're never gonna do this. Suck it up you've had four kids and you'll be like this forever. Who are you kidding thinking you'll be able to run a half marathon????

But with the loving words and support of my amazing running friend Mel I gathered my thoughts and stood my ground determined to press on! It was at this point I realised that partners are absolutely key and actually a non negogitable for me.

And slowly I've continued putting my body through the motions. I got a a second partner Jane who had the same goal of a half marathon and was also a mum and friend from school wanting to take action to see her body and fitness improve. We've slowly worked through the program, increasing the running intervals to longer, found new routes, overcome stitches, sore legs, had set backs but put them in the bag as learning experiences and with determination continued with motivation.

This week I ran two 7k runs for the first time in my life!!!!! Honestly this felt like a milestone and is a miracle in my mind. I never thought that I'd actually do it. Not really. I guess I realised this week I'd come to believe the lies that like to rear their heads in mind..... but I kicked them out because I've proved them wrong!!! But the most exciting part is that I have learnt discipline. Real Discipline. Discipline that has come through putting my mind to something and not looking back......but the best part is not only being able to apply it to the exercise in my life but to so many areas....... to the way I am a parent, to the way I use time in each day, to reading my bible and making time for God...... so having done the research before and now having actually put the theory into practice..... what have I discovered so far in my running.....

1) I need a plan that is firm enough to stick to but flexible because I'm a mum and have a family to put before myself. Its Ok if it doesn't always go the way I hope, live, learn and move forward. Don't get stuck in the set back.

2) I need and now have a vision. I want to run the world's biggest half marathon - The Great North Run in six months time. I will do it! But in a few days I'll run my first race of 3 miles. In three months I'm looking for a 10k. Having goals and reaching them is vital..... achieving and overcoming one milestone gives you the hope you can achieve any goal you have.

3) At 7 am or 7pm I rarely 'feel' like running. The couch is much more appealing with a tea and some chocolate. But its a choice. Despite not feeling like it I must choose the right choice. I don't live by how I feel but what I know is best for me. Its good for me to exercise. Its good for me to have some 'me' time. I've come to know the feelings will follow if I make the right choice as this has been the case almost every single time!

4) Partners. I honestly can say there is absolutely no way I'd be where I am today if it wasn't for Mel, Jane and my lovely 'american podcast' training coach! Mel and Jane have been excited with me, understood the pain, held me accountable, encouraged and sympathized, been committed and honestly I am becoming a true believer that there are very few things in life that aren't better than if they are done with others beside you. In teams, in partnerships you can go beyond and overcome what you can see with your own eyes.

5) The right equipment..... is essential. I haven't spent loads, but the blisters have been less with good trainers, I've protected my knees from injury, I've stayed warm in the snow, cool in the heat...... I couldn't have been as effective in reaching my goal.... and the investment kept me committed to the goal. It was worth it. Investment and commitment go hand in hand.

6) Its easy to try and box our lives, but as I've gone through struggles with running I have honestly asked God to help me. I want to be an example to my kids of healthy living, to show them that exercise is fun and worth it.... and so to keep this going and to be a good model of this I need God. I can't overcome on my own. I can't make the right choice on my own and I know more than anything God loves me and cares about me enough to help me to all this. I love to that running has given me chance to worship and hear from God..... running with nature surrounding me, the wind blowing in my face and listening to music on full blast has enable me to get totally lost in the maker of the universe...... I love that life isn't in boxes..... that all things if we choose them to be can be for God, of God and life stops being in boxes!!!

permanent artwork

Ever had a moment when something that you've seen a thousand times or you've taken for granted for a long time suddenly catches your attention and its like boom, boom, crash, bang......wow! So simple, yet so powerful....... I had one of these this week.

Trae my youngest is seven months. He's been going through what's known as the 'separation anxiety' phase of babyhood..... this basically means that as part of his development he goes through a season when he needs to know exactly where I am all the time, and wants to be held and be close to me at ALL times! If not he cries and lets the whole world know about it (: Now as a Mum I'm caught in a catch twenty two..... on the one hand there's something in my heart that absolutely leaps knowing I am wanted, sometimes its just tiring. Sometimes I couldn't get enough of the feeling of his little arms snuggled round my neck holding on with a determination that says 'he's never going to let go so don't you dare put me down again mum'..... sometimes I find myself trying to sneak out of a room without him seeing in a hope to escape. But the thing that caught my attention and gave me the 'boom, boom, crash, bang' moment was when my oldest Neve noticed and pointed out that whenever he's sat on the floor he spends ages looking in every direction until his eyes find me again...... at which point his whole face lights up and he starts to smile, giggle and then attempts to try and maneuver himself towards me and doesn't take his focus off me..... in her words 'he can't get enough of you mum'.

Now although I know this and have seen this many times not just with Trae but with the other three when they were this age, it was like God caught my attention....

He was like....

"Clare this is just like how I'd like you to be..... I want you to want me like this, I want you to light up every time you hear my voice, I want you to search and search till your eyes find me and you won't be able to take you gaze away, I want you to walk towards me, I want your determination to be for me.......... but you know what Clare don't worry.... I hear you.... I hear your doubts of me despite knowing the truth in your head..... I know you wonder if I can always be excited by you even with all the ways you feel you let me down, I know you wonder sometimes if I can truly never get tired and will never try to escape, I know these, I know where these come from and I long to allow my love for you to erase the rubbish that has rubbed off on you which now your subconscious assumes about me..... because I am so much more, I'm more than you can ever comprehend, I know its hard to get our head round, I know some days its easy to feel it, to know and to live in the freedom of this truth that my love is unconditional, pursuing, forgiving, never ending, holds no grudges, and that I, God, could be completely and utterly captivated by you, by everything that makes you you, some days this easy, some days it not..... I get all this....... but hear it now.... look at the gorgeous boy...... you helped him grow, you nourished him, you've paced the floor when he's been beside himself, you'd do anything for him, you always think he's amazing, you rejoice over ever smile and love him, you've cried for him, you'd die for him, and this is even in all your human-ness, even though you get tired...... I'm so much more than this..... clock this moment, clock it, it needs to be permanent art work in your mind. I'm the artist. This piece will never change"

Its clocked. Its a permanent piece of artwork. Even on days when I don't see it its there. I know this in my heart and in moments when its hard to understand or feel it I know its true and I will pull this moment to the front of my mind.

We all need these moments? If you don't have one, ask God for one. Ask him to put a piece of artwork up for the long haul that reminds you of the truth. His word is truth. He is love. He's your author, creator and pursuer and longs for you to truly know him and walk the way he made you to walk. He wants you to walk with him right beside you whispering in your ear when you need reminding, when he's excited by you. I couldn't live everyday with Him. I couldn't make it through being a mum and being responsible for four little people without Him. And He knows I'm weak, that sometimes I doubt, that I don't have it all together even if I can be good at looking like this on the outside. He knew I needed this picture - his artwork moment.

oranges and lemons....

Its the 27th February....... its the date my beautiful Mum took her last very peaceful breathe of oxygen lying in her bed of our home.

She was gone. She was at peace. I remember being a bit surprised. Even though I had been told it might happen I remember being surprised. I can't now believe its been so many years since this day........

I remember some days later sitting in a little country chapel with a navy corderoy dress covered in beautiful tiny lemons and oranges printed all over it.... I sat with my Dad, my big brother Mark and sister Helen..... I remember looking at the front of the church where we had come every week since I could remember but knowing this time was different. In my young mind I knew this was the moment we had to say goodbye. We had to let mummy go.... I remember looking at the coffin knowing she was inside but confused about what had happened. I remember singing songs and looking at lots of people but constantly looking back to my dress at the endless numbers of lemons and oranges. I remember lots of people saying stuff, talking about my mummy. I remember walking to her grave side. I remember the beautiful flowers that lay on top of this wooden box that she lay in.... and watching little bits of earth tumble in. I remember feeling a bit lost, a bit confused and yet feeling peace in my mind too.....Dad had said she'd be in heaven. So that meant she would be happy and at peace. She wouldn't be poorly anymore.

But today although I remember bits of this day vividly in my mind its not what I think of most when I think of my Mum...... I may only have been just shy of 5 when we said goodbye that day but as a Mum myself now there is something that strikes such a strong cord in me about what has remained so vivid to me about her......

- the way her fingers looked because I had stared at them so much when walked with my hand in hers

- what it felt like to be sat on her lap and be hugged tightly

- the sound of her voice

- what her hair felt like

- what she smelt like

I also know she was a good speaker, that she loved to sing, that she loved being outside, that she loved chickens (why!) and that she had had plans to go to cookery school but had sacrificed this for the love of her family. I know she was a peace maker, was generous with her time and love for others and that she loved God sincerely. I remember playing make believe in the kitchen with her, eating bowls of raisins as she cooked and her walking with me up the school play ground. I don't remember stuff..... I couldn't tell you her favourite food or colour, what she liked to read or many other everyday things... facts....

And even though I know these facts and remember specific moments..... what I 'know know'...... was what it felt to be loved by her as my mummy. Maybe because she knew her time was short she made more time to leave this legacy with me.... to leave these tangible memories of what it felt like to touch her hair, to sit in her arms and feel her face against mine, to hold hands....... its the things that embraced my senses.....

So whats this legacy mean for me now.... it makes me strive to be more like this. I have four beautiful children and so many of our days are fast paced, running here, doing this and that...... but what would my kids remember of me if I was suddenly gone tomorrow? I'm not saying I want to live like tomorrow I'll die but it does make me want to take time to give them one extra hug, to make the good choice more often between just sitting with them enjoying them over getting another thing ticked off my 'to do' list. To hug them. To take time. To make time. I want my kids to know the kind of security that comes from knowing they are loved like I knew.

I'm so thankful to God everyday for my Mum, who brought me into this world and gave me such an incredible start in this world and I'm so thankful for the legacy that she left to this day......

little tiny mustard seeds......

Mustard seeds..... the last couple of days they have caught my attention and I have been drawn to look and discover a little more out about them. Why you might ask?! Random! Well I don't know about you and how much of the bible you have read before but there a couple of passages that I have read this last week that I have read loads of time that ignited something in me to dig deeper. What really is this comparison that's talked about? What can I learn? I wanted to look at what a mustard seed was like? How small is small? How big does it grow? What? How? When? Where? My brain was on fire!

"I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible." Matthew 17:20

He said, “What is the Kingdom of God like? To what shall I compare it? It is like a grain of mustard seed, which a man took, and put in his own garden. It grew, and became a large tree, and the birds of the sky lodged in its branches".

And here's what I found out so far. I found it fascinating!

- Mustard seeds are normally about 1mm in size...... thats a 10th of a cm!

- These seeds grown into shrubs/trees that are 20 ft high on average

- The shrub/tree is often as wide as it is high.

- It grows in an irregular shape

- The branches grow very close to the ground

- It grows well in dry temperatures

What did these make me think about? Well as I read these I asked God to prompt me, remind me of who He is and speak to me.....( please bare with me as this is not a theological stance.... this is just allowing God space to use a deeper understanding of His creation and His word to speak deeper!).

The difference between the seed size and the tree it produces is amazing. If you convert 20ft into mm its 6096mm..... that means that the seed grows to be almost 7000 times its size! Thats amazing.... all God asks for is the faith of a mustard seed..... if I have this and give it to him the potential is huge. Like huge. Really really huge.

Its totally fascinating that it grows best in the dry hot environments because so often as I look back over life the times where I have been most aware of my faith are the times when life has been at its hardest. The dry times. The times when God feels silent. The times when all the options aren't looking good. When I'm pondering the why's around loosing your mum at a young age and living with the family complexities as a result. When I'm exhausted and have to remain patient. When quality time for God feels like a fight to get. When my beautiful strong little girl is going through horrid tests to rule out a brain tumor and I'm stuck in the waiting room clinging to God waiting on results, hoping, believing and struggling to have the faith that this will all be ok. The hard times, The dry times. This is when I look back and see growth - honestly life changing growth...... just like the seed grow into plants and trees in the driest conditions. Reassuring. Yes. These dry hard times are fruitful. Phew.....

'God please help me remember this in the midst of the season'.

The inconsistent shape of the growth, close to the ground.....felt like a reminder that its OK that things are perfect. God doesn't require that everything is perfect and just right for us to see faith in action and miracles happen. He's bigger than our inconsistency. But He definitely wants us to be close so we can breathe, drink, absorb..... because He's the one who can feed us and spur us on. He desires to see our mustard seed grow to its full potential and wants to fuel that. He wants to be our food source..... our only fuel source. The Challenge for me.... to never allow anything else to be my food source.

You know I also checked out some images too in my research and the magnified image of a seed spoke hugely to me.....

If you look at it the surface is covered in an interlocking pattern...... each section is a different shape but all are connected. Just made me think how our faith can so often be affected by the people around us for the good or the bad... we each rub off on each other.... the mustard seed despite its intriguing surface once in the ground where its finds food and can be nurtured has the potential in front of it to see absolutely life changing immense growth. We are like the mustard seed. We come just as we are with all the bits that make up our history. We have a choice to either allow God to take all that makes us up and burst into life and ignite the small amount of faith we have or get bogged down in the ugliness of the inconsistency that is humankind.

So I'm left feeling challenged with this...... am I willing to give God my mustard seed size faith? Am I willing to truly put what I have in the hands of the life giver? Do I truly believe I will see mountains moved if I come to God just as I am? Will I keep planting? Life affecting questions if I allow them to be!

Moments that make everyday.......

I recently read a blog (http://momastery.com/blog) post which started with.....

An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, “Oh- Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast.”

Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc

It caught my attention because I know this feeling well - when I'm out with all my munchkins and internally I'm at my wits end wandering how this all happened and why it is that they all choose to melt down whilst stood in the most public places, feeling completely out of control and honestly thinking whilst being told to seize the moment - why can I not escape this moment! Seize it - you've got to be joking right??!

But if you read the whole blog G (the author) goes on to talk about time:

There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.

Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, and I cherish them.

And this sums it up so perfectly for me - motherhood that is. It is a rollercoaster. There is alot of Chronos time. But those kiaros moments make it all worth it......

I decided today to start to be more thankful for it all. The Chronos time builds my character, it refines me, it sharpens me. The Kiaros moments make me smile, lift my eyes up remembering the bigger picture of life and take stock that all the effort is really worth it...... its the reward for the effort. It makes me see the light in the dark moments and reminds me I don't walk this journey alone but that there is Someone ever present with me.

I had some of the kiaros moments today..... its like time stood still.....

- Neve of her own accord took her extremely unhappy baby brother (who had been distressed and cried all the way home in the car, was hungry and tired) into her arms and sang sweetly in his ear, because she 'noticed' that I had four kids to bring in, muddy scooters and boots to get sorted, and a 2 1/2 yr old who needed to be changed as he had a not so sweet aroma about him..... she sang to him till he was calm and giggling (to my shock) and then proceeded to find toys and settle him. She then found a nappy and wipes and laid them beside him ready for me when I eventually came. Simple but for me this was a Kiaros moment. She didn't have to notice.

- Cohen walked into the kitchen today with no requests, no pleads..... simple looked up and said 'mummy, my love you berry much', blew me a kiss and walked out.......


Kiaros. Chronos. I'll take both. Both make me stronger. Both make everyday worth living.