A few people have asked me in the last few days how I'm doing with everything ( and by everything they mean this 'big move' - changing countries thing we are just weeks off doing)...... and I find myself in that moment having no idea how to explain.... my response if often that I've never experienced so many contradictory emotions at once, that I'm excited and counting the cost at the same time..... but internally I'm exploding in a way thats beyond words and can't really be explained..... and when today we exchanged contracts on our house for whatever reason it was this that popped my bubble of emotions and the tears have flowed. SO if you happen to see me today watch out (;
I think often I can unintentionally come across like all is fine.... like I'm some kind of super human (someone called me this yesterday??!)........ and when I think about why this is I think its more that I'm someone for who truth is of high value, so even when I'm feeling stuff I try to hold onto the truth amid all the feelings - 'strength can also be your greatest weakness' right?!' So I decided to blog today and be real about the very real fears...... the losses that my heart is grieving...... that even in the midst of the many joys here are the things that bring tears even as I write...... time for me to give a little space to be honest and allow a little sneak preview into the hard bits..... so here goes....
I'm scared of the intensity of emotion. Of looking people in the eye to say goodbye because in every set of eyes of the people I love there are stories, emotions.. there's irreplaceable history. I'm scared because we just exchanged contracts on our house yesterday - we really are moving - we really are doing this thing - there's no get out clause now.... yes any denial is not possible anymore!! My heart is heavy to leave the memories of our 'home' where both our boys were born, where there have been so many firsts, so many ups, downs and everyday, so many tears, so many laughs, so many friends and more than anything the place where each of us has grown a little more into the people we are today - our family.
I'm scared for things to change - despite loving change ( and on one hand the challenge and change is the most exciting part!) - this is the first time that change has actually scared me abit. That from here on the way everyday works is changing- to not be able to walk to school, to not have Steve home from work on his bike at 5.30pm, to how I shop for food and our house, to measuring stuff, to road signs, filling up with petrol (or should I say 'gas' (;) to duvet sizes, to words spoken, to not knowing how to use banks or post offices or how schools work, to be being the odd one out, to not being understood, to feeling somewhat lost. I'm afraid for a season in my life where I won't have the people who have become like family to me on my doorstep, the people who know know me, love me even though they know the best and worst of me, the people who cheer me on be the very best I can be, that know how to love me, and who I know how to love - I scared of feeling lonely. I'm sad to be away from all my family where we can't just hope on a phone anytime of the day or in a car......I'm walking around everyday soaking up views and smells because I know soon it will be a different canvas that I'll be looking at..... I'm apprehensive to have to figure out and have lots of grace for living in someone elses house for a while and to have to keep trusting in the season where lifes up in the air, with no 'home of our own', while Steve tries to find a job. I'm not looking forward as we all learn to adapt and watch and not be able to control all the emotions my kids have to go through, watch my amazing husband Steve deal with an upside down world of it being familiar but not and for me to be ok with being clueless lots of the time!! I'm scared I'm not strong enough a parent to guide my four beautiful munchkins through the journey.....Im scared I'm just not strong enough......
So there you have it - a very small glimpse into whats going through my head...... and so no I'm not some kind of super human! And this blog isn't for people to try and fix or even reassure me - no its a simple act of being honest.....because....
......along side all these very very real raw fears, emotions, experiences and thoughts......
.....deep in my heart I 'know' that we're going where we are suppose to go, that God never promised it would all be easy, but He does promise to walk with me on this journey, He does promise that there won't be a single moment...
not one.....
where He's not beside me. I know that if I'm not honest, if I don't let him into all these places of my heart where these fears sit, I'm not being real - and that he doesn't want a polish me with a facade up, he wants me with every emotion, every fear, every excitment. Today I'm overwhelmed but not overcome. Todays a day when I have to keep reading 'listen o daughter, incline your ear, pay careful attention, leave the land of your father and grandfather......' along with all the other promises along the way because if I stop for a moment in the midst of all this I know deep deep deep in my spirit that we are doing just what He's asked us to do which means this is going to be a good journey even when it doesn't feel like it........
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