I'm not a super human!

A few people have asked me in the last few days how I'm doing with everything ( and by everything they mean this 'big move' - changing countries thing we are just weeks off doing)...... and I find myself in that moment having no idea how to explain.... my response if often that I've never experienced so many contradictory emotions at once, that I'm excited and counting the cost at the same time..... but internally I'm exploding in a way thats beyond words and can't really be explained..... and when today we exchanged contracts on our house for whatever reason it was this that popped my bubble of emotions and the tears have flowed. SO if you happen to see me today watch out (; 

I think often I can unintentionally come across like all is fine.... like I'm some kind of super human (someone called me this yesterday??!)........ and when I think about why this is I think its more that I'm someone for who truth is of high value, so even when I'm feeling stuff I try to hold onto the truth amid all the feelings - 'strength can also be your greatest weakness' right?!' So I decided to blog today and be real about the very real fears...... the losses that my heart is grieving...... that even in the midst of the many joys here are the things that bring tears even as I write...... time for me to give a little space to be honest and allow a little sneak preview into the hard bits..... so here goes....

I'm scared of the intensity of emotion. Of looking people in the eye to say goodbye because in every set of eyes of the people I love there are stories, emotions.. there's irreplaceable history. I'm scared because we just exchanged contracts on our house yesterday - we really are moving - we really are doing this thing - there's no get out clause now.... yes any denial is not possible anymore!! My heart is heavy to leave the memories of our 'home' where both our boys were born, where there have been so many firsts, so many ups, downs and everyday, so many tears, so many laughs, so many friends and more than anything the place where each of us has grown a little more into the people we are today - our family.

I'm scared for things to change - despite loving change ( and on one hand the challenge and change is the most exciting part!) - this is the first time that change has actually scared me abit. That from here on the way everyday works is changing- to not be able to walk to school, to not have Steve home from work on his bike at 5.30pm, to how I shop for food and our house, to measuring stuff, to road signs, filling up with petrol (or should I say 'gas' (;) to duvet sizes, to words spoken, to not knowing how to use banks or post offices or how schools work, to be being the odd one out, to not being understood, to feeling somewhat lost. I'm afraid for a season in my life where I won't have the people who have become like family to me on my doorstep, the people who know know me, love me even though they know the best and worst of me, the people who cheer me on be the very best I can be, that know how to love me, and who I know how to love - I scared of feeling lonely. I'm sad to be away from all my family where we can't just hope on a phone anytime of the day or in a car......I'm walking around everyday soaking up views and smells because I know soon it will be a different canvas that I'll be looking at.....  I'm apprehensive to have to figure out and have lots of grace for living in someone elses house for a while and to have to keep trusting in the season where lifes up in the air, with no 'home of our own', while Steve tries to find a job. I'm not looking forward as we all learn to adapt and watch and not be able to control all the emotions my kids have to go through, watch my amazing husband Steve deal with an upside down world of it being familiar but not and for me to be ok with being clueless lots of the time!! I'm scared I'm not strong enough a parent to guide my four beautiful munchkins through the journey.....Im scared I'm just not strong enough......

So there you have it - a very small glimpse into whats going through my head...... and so no I'm not some kind of super human! And this blog isn't for people to try and fix or even reassure me - no its a simple act of being honest.....because.... 

......along side all these very very real raw fears, emotions, experiences and thoughts......

.....deep in my heart I 'know' that we're going where we are suppose to go, that God never promised it would all be easy, but He does promise to walk with me on this journey, He does promise that there won't be a single moment...

not one..... 

where He's not beside me. I know that if I'm not honest, if I don't let him into all these places of my heart where these fears sit, I'm not being real - and that he doesn't want a polish me with a facade up, he wants me with every emotion, every fear, every excitment. Today I'm overwhelmed but not overcome. Todays a day when I have to keep reading 'listen o daughter, incline your ear, pay careful attention, leave the land of your father and grandfather......' along with all the other promises along the way because if I stop for a moment in the midst of all this I know deep deep deep in my spirit that we are doing just what He's asked us to do which means this is going to be a good journey even when it doesn't feel like it........

Now listen daughter..... don't miss a word

So as most of you will know we are in the middle of taking one of the biggest steps of our life! About six months ago we spent weeks thrashing through every possible side there was to a decision of moving back to the states or staying put. It had always been one of those things that sat on the shelf of our minds and would come down for a read and consideration and then up to this point had always been put back because there was always a clear no. This time tho we took it off the shelf and something was different. We opened the question and for me there was a real sense of peace in the asking - and an underlying openness that had if I'm honest not really been there before. So much so that for the first time I threw the question open to God asking Him to speak but with a readiness to be obedient no matter what He said..... so one morning whilst Steve was away I brought the question before God and asked him for a clear answer. I asked him for something that couldn't be questioned. Something I could read (ideally!) over and over..... because I said 'I know if you say yes to this God I'm going to need to really know, know'. So the sun was rising, everyone was still sleeping and there was just the noise of a few birds starting to sing..... having asked the question I then opened my biblesync (daily reading) to these words.....

Now listen, daughter, don’t miss a word:

    forget your country, put your home behind you.

Be here—the king is wild for you.

    Since he’s your lord, adore him.

“Set your mind now on sons—

    don’t dote on father and grandfather.

You’ll set your sons up as princes

    all over the earth.

I’ll make you famous for generations;

    you’ll be the talk of the town

    for a long, long time.”

(Wow. Boom. OK God. Crickey I know I asked but seriously??!)

We are now almost six months on. Not surprisingly this word (along with many other confirmations) led us to the decision to make the move. To pack up our life here in York and go with what God was saying for the future. On many levels it seemed (and sometime still does) a huge risk.... packing up four kids, leaving an incredible community of friends, church, a beautiful city, good jobs with security..... leaving it all behind, counting the cost on many levels..... but..... all the while we know in our heart of hearts that there is no better place than to be where God would have us, that obedience is not always comfortable or easy, its not alway secure (in the earthly sense) but God's promises for us our so much bigger than any of these 'risks'. He will never leave us. He is our provider. He is our hope, our future, our security. He is good. His plans are the very very best. He knows us intricately and cares about the little things. And in all these promises along with every single promise in the bible - its clear - there's no 'well may I'll' or 'perhaps'. The words are certain. He IS.

And so today, as we are heading into the final weeks of our time in York and the logistical network of everything needs working out and when its so easy to be overwhelmed by logistics or emotions I hold fast to God, his words and promises - knowing He doesn't change even when everything else is. 

Tonight as I write this I too sit here wondering why it is that I don't do this more often. Why don't I seek God for these clear words for every season of life? - not just big decisions  - but in every season. Having God's word for the season to read in the good and the hard makes every part easier because it keeps reminding me who is in control.... it takes the focus off me, off the ifs and buts and puts my focus in the right place and I sure hope I don't forget to press into God for each and every season I'm honoured to live through from here on......

Bring on the adventures.

Wherever they may lead.........(eeeek!!)

Shoes.....

Shoes for the journey......Do you love journeys? Hate them? And what kind?? There are so many ways we use this word that it leaves this question so hard to answer with a simple yes or no right? Maybe its a holiday journey, or maybe its more obscure like 'lifes' seasons....... for me its all of them! I love love love holidays and adventures (apart from the ones where I'm in a car of 'how much further Mum's? or fighting siblings on board!!)..... but journeys to discover new things or explore new places.....journeys that mean I have hours of uninterupted time to talk......... but sometimes the hardest of life's journeys are the seasons which are difficult and yet prove to be the best kind once you've come through the other side! 

This morning I took this picture...... I was doing some sorting of the house and was putting some of Trae's shoes in a bag to pass onto a friend when it dawned on me that as I do its the end of a season, the end of our journey of having 'baby babies'...... and it prompted me to capture this significant moment in a picture.

But as I looked at the photo I was reminded of all that these shoes from each person signified. Of my own journey with each up and down that has come my way, but now for which I am truly grateful for as I wouldn't be who I am right now if I'd not walked each part. And today as a Mum I can't help but sometimes allow myself to dream dreams of the journeys ahead of each of my kids - not specific dreams but more dreams of the values I'd love them to have, to live out of and the the things I want them to know in their heart that the circumstances of the world couldn't change......

That'd they'd never doubt I believe in them.  That they'd know without a shadow of doubt that my love for them is true and steadfast without condition (my dream is I could do this too!). That they'd dream huge dreams. Run life with passion and never hold back from going all out for the things that are in their heart. That they wouldn't be scared to break out of the mold, but love God so much they'd trust Him with every tiny and big step they ever take.  That they'd know I'll always be in the shadows of whatever they do cheering them on like a raving loony to be all that God intended them to be!  That they'd be able to be themselves and not the version they want me to see......BUT.....Most of all my dream is that they'd fall madly in love with Jesus and that everything they do would come from wanting to be like Him......

But there's a weird double parallel of emotion that goes inside me as I dream. A catalytic sense of joy at being witness to the unfolding and yet a intense awareness of just how much deeper and stronger my levels of trust in God have to yet to go to not hinder or hold back the fullness of all that could be. As their Mum I can remember the day that each of them were born, each of them took their first steps, ran, jumped, laughed and giggled. I can remember some of their hardest tear filled moments, the sobbing, frustrations and heartaches....... and I've loved celebrating milestones and everyday joys..... I've loved being their to bring them comfort and protect them and stand up for them.....and so sometimes if I'm honest its hard to take captive the fears that try to sneak their way in as I think about the whats and maybe of what could be ahead of each of them..... and isn't fear is so like that.... it sneaky, its gradual, its deceitful and before we know it its taken so much ground its hard to break free from it. I know I can't fuly grasp it but I know as their Mum I have a very delicate balance of role ahead which I cannot get right on my own.  If I'm to ever be able to vaguely get close to doing this well I need to get down on my knees (metaphorically maybe!) before our Creator and amazing father and commit each of us daily into His hands - to remember I can't do it, that my kids aren't mine for the keeping, but have just been entrusted to me for a season to help them take flight..... to find their place.... and learn in the safety of family to be who they are in the world they live in.

So this picture is not just a photo..... its not just a picture.... its a stake in the ground for me, a reminder whenever I look at it that I'm taking a stand to commit myself to getting to know God better so I can trust Him at deeper levels, to dream the biggest dreams and believe them to come true for myself and for my little people. To remmeber that each of us is on a journey. That each step is significant and important no matter how small. And there is so much potential before us if we'll just jump and run and go for life with all we've been given. God help me please!! Would you help us all!!!!

Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays......

Have you ever had one of those moments that turned your perspective on life around? 


A few years back I was sat on a random Tuesday playing with my girls who at the time were aged two.  I was knackered, exhausted and feeling pretty blah about life in general. Steve and I had just stepped back from being in YWAM full time after God laid a new direction on our hearts. During our time in YWAM I had been to amazon Jungle and had the privilege of sharing Jesus with tribal communities who literally never heard the name of Jesus, lead mission teams to Europe, discipled many students on DTS, got married and been part of the team to pioneer YWAM York. It had been action packed, challenging, exciting - and I'd loved every minute! It had all been stuff that meet my desire to take risks and face challenges head on.


And now here I was a full time mum of twins - given they were incredible and there were many parts of being a mum I loved if I'm honest I felt a bit disillusioned. Suddenly my life seemed as though all it involved was changing nappies, washing, cleaning, cooking, singing nursery rhymes, more washing, nappies - seven days a week. Boom. 


What had happened? I guess in this moment I realized I had resigned myself to the fact that life was different and I needed to get over it.


But on this Tuesday it was like God caught my attention to remind me.......

' Clare remember how I called you to be like an Esther? That I called you to be someone who takes risks, to be someone who sees how important it is to invest and prepare, to speak up in truth when the world around you tells you not to, to know when to speak and when to be silent. Have I not called you for such a position as this for such a time as this? Do you not trust me that I know what makes you tick and what you need to set you on fire? Look at whats in your hands. Why do you sit here thinking others lives are more exciting and that you are being less fruitful today than in the past? Whats changed??!'

It was like an obnoxious alarm clock going off in the room and I couldn't stop it. WAKE UP CLARE, WAKE UP HAVE I NOT CALLED YOU FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS?

God challenged me to the core. I sat there in tears knowing I had a choice.

I could live for a new season and be disillusioned with the one I was in or I could be faithful to Him who had made me and believe the truth that He knew everything about who I was, my personality and make up, my frustrations, my hurts and yet today had brought me to be where I now sat....... How could I ignore God in this moment? How could I ignore our God who is the same every day, in every single moment wherever we are in the world? Our incredible unchangeable God?

I couldn't.

And everyday since the challenge remains the same....

To live in the reality of God's perspective and 

purposes for my life for the very season I am in each day.

So what does this look like for me on Mondays, Tuesdays, Fridays......??

Well it means that I now choose to embrace and aim for excellence in being the way God made me. Right now that involves being the best mum I can be to my four beautiful kids. It means that I have started to take captive more often of the excuses I make for not being disciplined in prioritizing Jesus daily.

It still means I do alot of washing, a lot of nappies, cleaning, running my kids around, school runs and more. It still involves alot of the seemingly monotonous. But now I do these with an underlying intentionality that stops everything being just being repetitive.

It means that now I stand in the shower in the morning and ask God to fill me up daily with His spirit so that I can.... cry out to Him when I've all out of ideas about how to parent, or I've lost my patience and I've shouted at my kids and found myself in the wrong - that in those moments I can show them I'm not perfect, neither are they but Jesus is and that altogether we can love, forgive and move on.

It means I refuse to accept what the culture around me tells me about being a stay at home mum and instead press in to walking out the truth about who God says I am and the opportunity He has given me right in the four walls of my home to disciple four little people, who with Jesus can I believe change the world.

It means I run passionately with my call to be a leader and women of God, knowing that in every single season of my life, from when I was 18 to now till old age that this will look different but that the call and caller have not changed.

It means when I walk on to my kids school playground I no longer naively walk into the latest gossip but I know that sometimes God requires me to to be bold to speak up to say the hard thing, or controversial thing and that at other times He calls me to remain silent. To be aware of what He's doing - His agenda, His timing - knowing they aren't always the same as mine and that sometimes he's calling me to just be me and to live my life with integrity and that by the way I live people would capture something of Jesus. To keep sowing. Keep investing. Knowing it's God who saves and my job is to be faithful and true in communicating my love and passion to Him. To show people that Jesus is normal and down to earth and yet goes beyond the most incredible and beyond anything we can imagine and is essential to our everyday walk.

It means we need to be bold. We need to be silent. But more than anything we need to listen. We need to be ready and listening constantly. We need to be constantly cultivating such an incredible trust in Him that I'll listen and be obedient to do what He asks even when it doesn't make sense -in the little things - in the life changing moments. Its about being faithful to use what God has given us in our hands today and not let another day pass without it counting.

For each of us the challenge is the same. You might work at MacDonald's or be the MD of a huge multinational company, you might be a student or professor, a full time stay at home parent or a professional working 80 hours a week. You might be on cloud nine with the season you are in or wishing for a season that has been or you hope is yet to come?

But you know what God says to you right here right now?

Stop making excuses. Stop running away from your reality. Stop looking ahead and behind. Stop wishing for someone elses life.

Because God says just as Esther was challenged in a moment when her silence would have meant the Jews would have been killed, or to speak up looked to ensure certain death...

Have I not called you for such a time as this? Have I not placed you where you are on Mondays, Tuesdays Wednesdays, Thursday's, Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays..... because I know you, I know the gifts I have uniquely given you and I have a specific purpose in putting where you are right now. 

Will you rise up? Will you accept the challenge to live the most exciting adventure that has been designed just for you?

I dare you! I dare you to rise up and start listening..... start listening to the whispers, the nudges and the loud reminders of God and your everyday 'ordinary' will become so extraordinarily incredible that you will fall madly in love with your creator and see Him at work in ways you could never have imagined. 

I dare you.

God - the strength of my heart.

Biblesync.org : Psalm 75: 26.......

My flesh and my heart may fail,

   but God is the strength of my heart

   and my portion forever.

This past 10 days has been exhausting, draining, stretching with moments of everything from anxiety to joy, tears to laughter, frustration to thankfulness, anger to love - there has been a bit of everything! I guess as most people would describe -  a roller coaster! Some of you reading will know that this is because Cohen my little bud has been in and out of hospital with pneumonia - the final decided diagnosis - he spent 3 days on IV antibiotics and has been feeling generally rubbish. This thrown in with the timings of his sudden deterioration ie: in the car (just myself and 4 kids) on our way to Devon, having to leave my still breastfed buba for the first time overnight not even with his daddy etc etc meant its been all a bit dramatic! As a mum I feel like I was put in a washing machine on fast spin and spat out ultra wrinkled and dried out......

And yet to my shock the phrase that so many of my friends and family have text or spoken as their way of encouragement in the process were..... 'You are so strong'...... 'you are such a rock for your family the way you can stay strong through this all'....'you're strength in the storm is inspiring'....and honestly it shocks me. It totally shocks me. Shocks me because let me tell ya again to me I feel like I've been in that washing machine on fast spin and I'm shriveled, dried out with not much to give...... like I could just be snapped in half just like a sun baked towel.......I don't feel strong. I don't feel like a rock. I feel weak and quite honestly like I've failed on so many counts.

But although I don't 'feel' these encouraging words people have shared I know as I sit and reflect today I have a secret that is the reason I can walk week's like this last one and despite my feelings come out the other end having not fallen apart! My flesh and my heart may fail me - I know I have said  things I now regret because I'm tired and inpatient, and I have chosen not to always be loving and kind, because in myself I will mess up, I'm selfish, I'm human but despite my failings and imperfections its assuring to know the incredible all knowing God who created me is my strength - He is the strength of my heart and my portion forever - God is my 'fix, my entirety' - He lives in me and provides the strength to face every single day that comes at me - and because He lives in me - its not my strength people see - it can only bethat people see God in me. This is the secret - not some magic self improving strategy to face stress - but the amazing creator God who wants to be everyone's secret. In all my weaknesses God is strong - In all my imperfections God's beautiful reflection still shines strong because through Him I can be made whole again - In all my doubt and fear His perfect love comes in and drives each one out because  He knows their residence in my heart isn't for the best. I cannot imagine life without knowing Him. 

My flesh and my heart may fail,

   but God is the strength of my heart

   and my portion forever.

Two beauitful girls...

Six years ago today I set eyes on my precious girls for the very first time. I remember being totally in awe and blown away by them. I had seen them literally time and time again on the multiple scans I had had in the months I carried inside, but seeing them for the first time was an experience that will stay with me for the rest of my days.......

Two beauitful squigy wet brown haired little girls who God has blessed us with snuggled in their daddy's arms - tears rolling down both Steve and I's faces as we sat staring at them..... quite literally blown away - a picture that is a life long piece of artwork in my mind .


Such an incredibly precious time. God had given us these little miracles. They were perfect. Beautifully created and formed just as they were intended. They didn't look totally alike. Katelyn had a little pointy nose and very petit features - Neve had a rounder face and three cute wrinkles across her forehead - and they both had a fantastic set of froggy legs from being so tightly squashed inside!! 


Today its their 6th birthday! They are beyond excited!!! Life couldn't get any better than this day for them right now. But as I take a little time out of the celebrations to reflect I am astounded by the journey these two little ladies have come on. There have been many hard times, despairing moments amid many many giggles and hilarious moments but today most of all I am the proudest of Mum's at that the incredible little people they are becoming.

And as a way of celebrating who they've bcome here's a snapshot of the things I love about them most!


Neve Olivia..... she's our fun loving, quiet souled, adventurer!! Most people know her today for her love of sport , her competitiveness and how much energy she has but as her parents we get to see her quiet introverted side too - the combination of which makes her so unique and I love so much. She is competitive, strong willed, fired up, and has a huge sense of justice, whats right and wrong and strives to be the very best she can in whatever she puts her mind to. She loves to know how and why & is happy to be different. I love watching her as she's getting to know her maker too....I am repeatedly amazed  by the maturity in her relationship with God -  She loves to read her bible and discover interesting facts and wants to listen to God when she talks to Him. She's protective of her family and is heartbroken when relationships aren't as they should be. She loves to help out and grabs responsibility when she knows it important to take it on board (she's the oldest and knows it!).  She's a leader in the making, not the kind who wants to be up front all the time (she gets stage fright!!) but the kind who will lead from the ground and have crowds follow her, just because of who she is!  I love my beautiful beautiful girl.



Katelyn Ruth - she's my people loving, life's for singing about show girl! She's outgoing and friendly but not one to be walked over because she has a quick sharp side to her personality that means she can't be taken for a ride! She's has a huge heart and loves to help people -she wants the whole world to be happy.  She loves to sing and dance and act and make believe and is confident to be in the limelight. She's great at bringing 'one liners' to remind me what God says at crucial moments but more than anything when it comes to her journey with discovering God and who she is in Him, she LOVES to sing to him. All the time!! (As you can tell we have alot of singing in our house). She's a great helper and particularly when it comes to her little brothers - taking people under her wing,  looking after them and making them feel special is definitely where she thrives. She is fascinated by relationship and like her sister hates it when things aren't as they should be. And yet her unique combination that catches my attention so often is how she can go from the soul and life of a party to having incredible concentration for details - particularly when it comes to anything creative. She loves to write, bake, draw, paint, bake, cook and play with tiny things. I love my Beautiful beautiful girl.


Neve and Katelyn are two unique little people who have the incredible joy of being twins - they are different and yet so alike in so many ways -  there is something incredible about being an identical twin and I count it an absolute privilege to be their Mum.

Happy Birthday Neve and Katelyn!!!

I LOVE YOU xx

Everything I see is in colour

It's been a while.


Time has been passing. I've felt like I've been barely keeping up. Its like I've been on catch up. Not ahead of the game. It's like time is dictating to me, rather than me being on top, taking action..... 


I don't like it. I don't like being on catch up. I like to be intentional. Productive. Efficient. Efficient in the sense of time allowing for everything. Getting stuff done. Being quiet. Doing fun stuff. Smelling the roses. Laughter. Hugging my kids slowly. Tickling them till they can't stop laughing. Everything that makes life. But everything that allows me to live a full balanced life that allows me to be at my best. My very best. The best in the sense of being honest and relaxed. I don't like being in catch up mode.


And thats why its been a while. I haven't had the time or energy to get on here and write. Something I love to do. But today I made a decision.


I'm going to take action. I'm going to make the most of the moment right now. I'm going to find moments.

Two beautiful ladies who I have the privilege of calling my friends this weekend were away on a women's retreat. They knew I would have loved it but couldn't make it this time with still feeding my little Trae..... so what did they do..... they brought the retreat to me! On their return they came with a box of chocolates and little notes for each one. My instructions..... to grab moments in my busy week ahead to savor the chocolate and read the accompanying note. I did this today. It was a chaotic afternoon with four children who couldn't cope with the heat. I was having a moment when I thought 'HELP'..... and suddenly I remembered my chocolates!!! So hiding in my kitchen (heaven forbid the kids were going to get to share the chocs!!!!).... I took a moment and slowly ate my chocolate fudge dream, and was reminded that God knows all about me - my strength, my hidden weakness and is with me at ALL times - even in this choas!!! Just what I needed to hear. 

Hmmmmmm...... and breathe.  Suddenly I felt like I'd had a huge breathe of fresh air. Enough to keep swimming under water for the rest of the afternoon.  I went from seeing an a or b senario to seeing that there are loads of ways this afternoon could pan out but one's thing for sure I'm not on my own and I can choose to navigate my kids through it in such a way to see the good!

I guess if I'm honest one thing I dislike about when I feel like I'm on catch up is that everything becomes blurry....everything because a much of muchness....and I stop seeing the beauty that surrounds me daily...... the colour of life, the miracle of life, the preciousness of words or touch.......


Everything is black or white - there's no colour.


But I guess I'm learning anew again that if I embrace and savor my God who has made me, knows me intricately and insist that He is a non-negogiable in my day suddenly EVERYTHING is in COLOUR!

The world comes alive, 

you've opened my eyes,

 everything I see is in colour, 

no more black and white, 

becasue I've seen the light,

 everything I see is in colour.... (ben cantelon)

So if you are reading this - take action. Savor the moments. Run after them to stop amid whatever you are doing to hear God. To be amazed by Him. Be amazed by what surrounds you. Don't let business stop you from seeing the colour - don't become a black and white girl - SEE COLOUR!! Stop to smell the roses. Or maybe like me go give your kids a kiss, and stare at them while they sleep, marvel at the creation of life in them, their smell and all the intricate ways they were made...... or tomorrow do what my little boy did today..... pick up a buttercup and allow yourself to be blown away for a second. SEE the colour of life again!!! 


Take action. Don't play catch up any longer. Don't let your world be black or white. See everything in colour.